Esther's Moment and Mine

 "או מי יודע עם לאת כזאת הגעת למלכות"

"And who knows, maybe you have risen to royalty for just such a moment" (Esther 4:14). 

As many of you have seen by now, this week an article came out in the JTA about my experience in rabbinical school. This was not a story I wanted to share. So much of me wanted to leave it in the past, move on to bigger and better things, surrender to the belief that the school and the conservative movement are not mine to make better. I never wanted to be in this position. I didn’t want to have a story of harassment and institutional misuse of power, let alone share it with the world. 

This week, we celebrate Purim. I have never been Purim’s biggest fan. I don’t like to drink, I don’t like dressing up, and chapter 9 of the megillah ruins the rest of it for me. 

But something is different this year. 

After Esther becomes queen, she learns of Haman’s plan to kill all the Jews of Shushan and the king’s complicity in it. So she goes to her cousin, Mordechai, who tells her she cannot stay silent. He tells her that she must speak her truth.  או מי יודע עם לאת כזאת הגעת למלכות  And who knows, maybe you have risen to royalty for just such a crisis, he says to her. 

Like Esther, I didn’t want to be the one to speak truth to the king. But luckily, like Esther I had my Mordechai, a wonderful group of individuals who had suffered similar fate at Ziegler. They have supported and strengthened me every step of the way. And they helped me decide that it was time, that I have risen to this position for a reason, and that it was time to speak my truth. 

For three days before Esther went to the king to tell him she’s a Jew, she fasted. Every year before Purim, Jews also fast the fast of Esther. It is a wonderful, divine coincidence that the article where I spoke my truth came out the same day as Esther’s fast. This year, for the first time, I chose to fast in honor of Esther’s bravery and in service of my own. 

And when the fast ended, I walked outside to get dinner and it started pouring rain. As I began to cry, I took out my phone and put on one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs, Clean. 

Rain came pouring down

When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe

And at that moment I knew, surely I have risen to royalty for this moment.